Action Images via Reuters/Ed Sykes
The Premier League is back and, with it, the agglomeration of narratives that constantly pull us back to it like Harry Redknapp to Vedran Corluka.
Here are RealSport, however, we are not only interested in the big narratives. We like the blink-and-you-miss-it narratives. The punk narratives. The narratives that you only find deep in the bowels of the dark web. Or something like that.
Without futher ado, then, here are the stories that may have passed you by this weekend.
Shaw's Shanked Redemption
For so long, Luke Shaw’s stay at Manchester United felt like something of out the movie Precious. A fragile youngster, struggling to escape from an abusive household, aching for the chance of escape.
Even Gabourey Sidibe, however, would struggle to match the elation on Shaw’s face as he scored his first-ever goal as a professional on Saturday.
It’s been a long, terrible and often torturous road for the United wing back. Trusted to start against Leicester, he responded by registering a magnificent ninety minutes that harked back to his pacy best as a pudgy Southampton teenager.
Action Images via Reuters/Andrew Boyers
Maybe Mourinho’s emotional austerity has finally paid off. Or maybe Shaw, ridiculed off by everyone including his own coach, has decided to take his career into his own hands.
Either way, its good to see him back, particularly with Manchester United and England looking relatively sparse on the left-hand side.
A kit too far?
There comes a point in all of our lives where we are introduced to PowerPoint. For most of us, that point is in a Year 7 ICT class.
Now at the age of 13, none of us are in the position to be able to make informed decisions about what is or isn't acceptable as a fashion choice. Inevitably, then, the first thing we did in that ICT class was to pick the most questionable PowerPoint background possible for our presentation about Tigers in the Asiatic Plane.
And those backgrounds most likely resembled the design on Tottenham's new third choice shirt.
Action Images via Reuters/Ed Sykes
Or maybe that analogy is lost on you. But here's one that won't be.
You'll have seen the film Independence Day. Aliens head to earth, threaten all sentient existence, are defeated through use of Will Smith and vastly superior automatic weapons.
Cast your mind back though. Remember the control room? Just saying...
Here we go a-cottaging...
London derbies made a swift return to the Premier League as Crystal Palace visited newly-promoted Fulham on the opening day of the season.
Can we really classify this as a derby, though? Both teams may be from the same city but Palace’s taunts of “Is this a library?” brought a retaliation of an even more deafeningly-silent Craven Cottage as the hosts whimpered to a 0-2 defeat.
When Brighton make the trip to Selhurst Park in March, you can be sure that the reception will be far less amicable than that afforded by Fulham.
Action Images via Reuters/John Sibley
But what makes a derby a derby? The term is shoehorned into (mostly) local rivalries but a trip down the M23 seems to bring the most fervent reaction from Palace fans. This animosity stems from the clubs’ matches against each other in the 70s when both were vying for promotion from the third division.
Wouldn’t it be more jovial for the nicknames to play a part? The Seagulls already hate the Eagles, maybe the Red Devils should consider Southampton their mortal enemies? And let's not forget, in League One, the Black Cats will face the Cod Army this season.
Still, with a nickname like the Cottagers, don't expect Fulham to fire up any rivalries this season.
They do not like it up 'em
There's a meme format that does the rounds on social media which goes like this: the caption "We go live to Brexit" accompanied by a clip of slapstick buffoonery. Someone setting themselves on fire, that drunkard sliding down an escalator, that kind of thing.
But even the most eager for retweets might have considered one moment from the Liverpool vs West Ham match a bit too on-the-nose.